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One Liners for Women

Author Unknown

Q : What must a woman do when a man is running around in circles?
A : Reload and carry on shooting.

Q : Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?
A : Because it only attacks the brain.

Q : What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A : A rumor

Q : A couple are lying in bed. The man says "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
A : The woman says : "I will surely miss you"

Q : What takes longer to make - a snowman or snowwoman?
A : The snowman, because you have to hollow out the head first.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

You can tell that a husband isn't handy when he asks the man next door how to get blood off a saw. Milton Berle

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. Dean Martin

Had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary.
BERNIE yelled, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever."
ELAINE replied, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.

The Last Things Any Man Would Ever Say

While I'm up, can I get you a beer?

I think hairy butts are really sexy.

Sometimes I just want to be held.

Sure I'd love to wear a condom.

We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.

The heck with Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.

I think we are lost, we better pull over ands ask for directions.


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