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One Liners For Men

Author Unknown

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. Dean Martin

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henry Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
Anne Bancroft (married to Mel Brooks)

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. Bill Cosby

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.* Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. Elaine Boosler

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. Erma Bombeck

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

The Last Things Any Woman Would Ever Say

Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.

Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me that way.

Hey, get a whiff of that one ( or Nice One! ).

Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes are just too cute.

This diamond is way too big!

I'm wrong, you must be right again.

 

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